When life feels tough, what helps us get through it?
For many of us, it’s the people we lean on who make us feel better – friends who listen, understand, and accept us can make the hard days feel lighter, and the great days even brighter! Meaningful social connection reminds us we are not alone. It is a powerful buffer against stress, and it’s no different for our teens. In fact, it’s even more important for them!
Adolescence is a time of immense growth and change, full of many ups and downs. The pressures of school, work, family life, and social media can be overwhelming for young people. Supportive relationships help young people face these challenges with more confidence, resilience, and healthy coping skills.
One of the best ways that you can support your teen through the trials and tribulations of adolescence is by helping them feel connected!
Why connection matters
Human brains are hard-wired to seek social connections. When we feel isolated or lonely, challenges feel more unmanageable, stressful, and exhausting because our brain sees the world as threatening. On the other hand, when social support is available, difficult tasks feel more manageable.
One experiment powerfully highlights this. People were asked to guess how steep a hill was. Those who were standing alone judged the hill as steeper than those standing beside a friend. Simply having someone nearly made the task look easier – showcasing how human connection can lighten our mental load.
What this means for your teen
Meaningful social connections help young people feel seen, valued, and safe – key ingredients for emotional wellbeing. They also build confidence, encourage problem-solving, and reduce stress.
But making and maintaining friendships can be tricky! As a parent, caregiver or mentor, your guidance and support can make a real difference.
Here are some of our favourite evidence-based strategies which you can use to support your teen to build meaningful social connections:
1. Encourage conversations about what makes a ‘good friend’
What makes a good friend?
This is a great starting point to explore the topic of healthy social connections with your young person. Helping your teen consider what a good friendship looks and feels like can help them understand what to look for in a friendship, and what to avoid!
Good friendships are built on genuine care, mutual respect, support, open communication, healthy boundaries, and trust. A good friend shows you they care through their actions – they apologise if they hurt you, include you, stick up for you, are loyal, and talk to you directly when there’s a problem.
Explain to your teen that good friends:
- Make you feel good about yourself.
- Make you feel safe, heard, and valued – even when your opinion is different.
- Celebrate your successes and accept you for who you are!
- Respect your boundaries and understand that you can have other friends too.
- Care about your feelings and show they’ve got your back, even when you’re not around.
On the other hand, unhealthy friendships can leave us feeling hurt.
These relationships can make us feel bad about ourselves, as though our opinions don’t matter. You might feel excluded, embarrassed, or even guilty for having other friends.
Encourage your teen to tune in to how they feel after spending time with different people. A helpful guide is this: do they feel the same, worse, or better after seeing that friend?
If they consistently feel drained, anxious, or worse after hanging out with someone, it might be a sign that the friendship isn’t healthy. Teaching teens to reflect on how relationships impact their wellbeing helps them build self-awareness and make more intentional choices about who they spend time with.
So, how might you spark the conversations about healthy friendships with your young person?
Here are some helpful prompts you may like to use:
- How do you feel after you spend time with your friend?
- What do you think makes a good friend?
- What qualities do you value in a friend?
- What qualities do you have that make you a good friend? For example, “I am a good listener”, or “I check in on my friends if they seem down”.
If your teen enjoys being creative, they might really enjoy trying out the activity below.
A fun way to explore these questions more thoroughly is by building a ‘Friendship Values Cupcake’! This activity will help your young person reflect on the qualities of a good friend and the kind of friend they want to be!
Materials needed:
- Paper and pens
- A printed or drawn cupcake template. You can access a template here.
- Craft materials (e.g., markers, play dough, slime) or real cupcakes and decorations.
Step 1: Brainstorm Friendship Qualities
- Give a piece of paper to your young person and invite them to write down all the qualities they think make a good friend.
- You can access our printable friendship value cards by clicking here.
- Encourage them to think about the kind of friend they want to be and add any additional qualities!
Step 2: Choose a ‘Top 5!’
- Have your teen choose their top 5 most important friendship values. Encourage them to think about which values matter most in their friendships.
Step 3: Create a friendship cupcake recipe
Explain that they can now create a “friendship cupcake” using their values.
- Assign each part of the cupcake a “friendship quality”
- Ask your teen what their most important friendship quality is! This will be the ‘base’ of your cupcake (e.g., kindness).
- Next, the icing. Another key quality (e.g., trust).
- Sprinkles are next! These are the ‘extra’ qualities that add to a great friendship, and could be represented through different colours (e.g., fun, caring, listening)!
- The cherry on top is a special quality that makes a friendship extra meaningful (e.g., loyalty, encouragement).
Have your young person write out their “recipe” by listing each part of the cupcake and the quality it represents.
Step 4: Make the cupcake! (Optional)
- Now the fun begins! It’s time to make your cupcake!
- If using craft materials, have your teen create their cupcake with slime, playdough, or colouring pens.
- If using the real cupcakes, let them decorate with icing and toppings that match their friendship values.
Step 5: Share and reflect
- Ask your teen to share their cupcake and discuss why their chose their specific values.
- Discuss how these values help build strong and valuable friendships.
- To wrap up, encourage your teen to think about how they could show their friendship values in their own friendships.
By helping your teen reflect on what matters to them in a friendship—and how to recognise and be a good friend—you’re empowering them to build relationships that uplift and support them.
2. Demonstrate what it means to be a good friend
As a parent or caregiver, you can model ‘healthy’ friendships in your own life. When teens see their parent demonstrating active listening, empathy, and healthy conflict resolution, and navigating friendships with kindness, respect, and healthy boundaries, it’s likely to rub off on them!
3. Help your young person build confidence in conversations
It is no secret that making new friends or building deeper connections involves communication, but for many young people, the idea of starting a conversation or keeping it flowing can feel overwhelming. Even though they may really want meaningful friendships, they might feel unsure about what to say, how to keep the conversation flowing, or how to end it without feeling awkward.
This is where you can support them. By guiding your teen through a simple structure for conversations, and practising it together, you can help them feel more confident and prepared when talking to others – especially new people.
Try using the START, FLOW, and END structure.
This simple structure may give your young person a helpful guide to follow:
START
S = Search. Find someone you would like to talk to!
T = Time. Check if they’re free to talk.
A = Approach. Walk over casually and confidently.
R = Relate. Smile, say ‘hi’, ask how they are, or give them a genuine compliment (e.g., “I love your shoes!”).
T = Topic. Bring up something fun or relevant. You might try, “Did you do anything fun this weekend?”.
Keep a conversation going with….
FLOW
F = Ask ‘Follow-up’ questions! For example, “who did you go with?”, or “how was the movie?”.
L = Listen actively. Show interest in what the other person is saying with your words and actions. For example, you might say, “wow, that sounds so cool!” and nod your head to show that you are listening.
O = Ask ‘Open-ended’ questions. Avoid questions that elicit a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.
W = Wander to a new topic. Try saying things like, “that makes me think of…”
END
E = Express gratitude for the conversation! You might say, “It was lovely chatting with you!”.
N = Notice the time. You could say, “I need to head to class” or “okay, I better head off! Mum is here to pick me up.” This helps the other person understand why you are ending the conversation.
D = Decide what’s next. If you would like to talk with the person again, suggest a plan! For example, “Let’s catch up again soon!”
Try role-playing conversations with your teen, using these techniques! Take turns ‘starting’ and ‘ending’ a 2–3-minute chat. Pick topics they’re interested in and make it fun. You could try prompts like:
- What did you do over the weekend?
- Are you into any hobbies right now?
- What shows are you watching?
- How are your holidays going?
But remember, conversations don’t have to be perfect! The goal is to help your teen feel more confident and capable connecting with others, not to follow a ‘perfect’ script. Be understanding and encouraging of your teen as they practice building their social skills over time.
4. Provide opportunities for social connection
This one is simple, but powerful! Offer opportunities for your teen to bond with peers by asking them what activities they might be interested in getting involved in. Whether it’s basketball, dance, chess, or craft, fostering opportunities for your teen to bond over shared interests provides a natural starting point for connection and belonging.
We get it – parents already have so much on their plate and driving your teen to lots of activities can feel overwhelming. But investing in their social wellbeing lays the foundation for their confidence and mental health in the long run.
The online environment can also offer connection and emotional support. But it’s important to note that research suggests offline connections are more beneficial for self-esteem and mental health. Support your teen to balance online and offline socialising, with a focus on in-person connection where possible.
5. Prioritise quality over quantity
Explain to your teen that it’s not about having hundreds of friends, but a network of really good ones!
Sure, engaging in multiple friendships provides young people with opportunities to develop their social skills, which is super important! However, we can feel lonely, even when we are surrounded by others, if we don’t feel accepted, understood, or valued. It’s the friendships that make us feel a sense of support and belonging that truly matter for our mental health.
So, encourage your teen to take part in a variety of social settings, but always emphasise that how they feel in a friendship matters more than the number of friends they have.
6. Respond to social challenges with understanding and compassion
For some young people, social interactions can be a source of immense anxiety. Things like starting a conversation, joining a group, or even making eye contact can feel incredibly overwhelming. And sometimes, one of the best things you can do as a parent or carer is to simply listen, validate, and respond with compassion.
It’s so temping to jump straight into “fixing mode”. For example, if your teen tells you they sat alone at lunch or didn’t know what to say in a group chat, you might want to quickly offer advice like: “Just go up and say hi”, or “Next time, try joining in.”
While that comes from a caring place, going straight to solutions can sometimes feel dismissive. It might unintentionally send the message that they’re doing something wrong or that they should “just get over it”.
What your young person might really need in that moment is to feel seen and heard.
They might be looking for reassurance that what they’re feeling is normal, and that you’re there beside them, not just trying to fix things. Leading with compassion and validation – things like “That sounds really tough,” or “I can see why that made you feel anxious” – can go a long way in helping them feel safe and heard.
Here are some simple ways you could respond to your young person:
- “Thank you for telling me. That sounds really hard”
- “That makes so much sense – I can see why you felt that way”
- “I totally get that. That would have been so hard”
- “I think I would have felt the same way in that situation”
- “You’re not alone – I’m here for you, always”
If this is significantly impacting their wellbeing, consider seeking support from a psychologist or mental health professional.
So, there you have it—some practical, evidence-based strategies to help your teen build meaningful social connections.
Remember, building these connections takes time. Be patient and encouraging with your teen; your support can make all the difference.
Reviewed by Carmen Nielsen (MProfPsych; BA-Psych(Hons), Dinusha Cragg (BSocSc(Psych)(Hons), MPsych(Clin), MAPS) and Ross Carlyon (BA, DipEd, MEd Studies, DipSchoolAdmin).
